Search My Infinite Universe

Mucha Lucha!

The Lords of Gelatin don Mexican wrestling masks and come off the top rope to put a chokehold on your child's nutrition! Caramba!
With a character called Zapatas de ratos! (Rat Shoes?) how can your child resist it in lunchbox, baggie-backpocket, shoulder-holster, or studded steel-toe boot.
From your amigos a El Betty Croker. Caliente!

Fat-Free Half & Half

So which side is fat-free and which side is half the fat?
Um, I understood there would be no math...
At least there is no refridgeration needed. That's because it's fat-free!

December 29th, 2007 - The NEW FORD ESCAPE LIMITED

What is a limited escape anyway?
Heeya! Break from the herd!
Prepare to go it alone without all the fuss and bother
of actually leaving.

The crookED BRidge

When civil engineering becomes "public art", this is what happens.
I kept thinking, they'll straighten it up one of these days... one of these days... one of these days... Hey. Maybe it's NO, not SUPPOSED to {CRINGE} look like UGH, THAT. NOoooooo.
However it IS the largest taut-cable something something or other between here and Chicago, but it looks like it's falling over! Look at it, for cri-yiy! The street people's most common response seems to be, "Hunh, looks normal to me. Do you have a dollar?" Then one day after gaping at it stopped at the 31st street stoplight, a thought came to me.
I shuddered again. A sinking ship. It reminds me of a sinking ship and I have to drive under it. All that award-winning architectural ingenuity to create a self-supported crooked bridge that will bear the crushing weight of bicycles and pedestrians wanting to get over a 150 ft. span of Hiawatha Avenue and it looks like something that is already broke. The thing has the biggest nuts, bolts, and cables on it I have ever seen. Maybe there was a sale at the gigantic department at Menards.

The capper tho, is that damn thing at the top, at the topmost pole, cut off at an angle. Cut off not at the angle of the bridge to the ground, but cut off at an angle parallel to where the next crooked cable would be placed, the phantom cable. My shape-oriented obsessive-compulsiveness, created many years ago through oh so many Playskool (couldn't they at least spell THAT right?) Busy Boxes, Tool Benches, and Lite-Brites makes me want to take a helicopter and gigantic pliers and staighten that teasing little bugger out.

I love a lot of wires on my public art structures, as there really isn't enough of the omnipresent power lines and inescapable billboard struts to see as it is.

One day, as I was riding under THE CROOKED THING on the train (a.k.a. The LRT locally) a woman in a long coat was gushing on and on about the wondrous bridge, "Isn't it just the MOST BEAUTIFUL BRIDGE you have seen in your WHOLE LIFE!" "And what really sets it off are the LIGHTS!, the LIGHTS!, THE LIGHT'S AT NIGHT! They are really sumpthin"!
I just couldn't wait for my return trip home so I could see the AMAZING lights.
The lights were blue.
One was out.
The bridge remained crooked.

When cats attack!

We know lots of good grammary things

Too much model fun

Haw haw! Man that cracks me up! Wait! Don't do it! Don't take my picture! Omigod! I'm going to blow apple chunks!!

I sold my soul to the stock photo house, and other dirty jobs...

There's nothing to be afraid of Miss.
Please don't look directly into the lens of the flux capacitor.

Caption read, "Actress portraying laser-guided tomographic surgery patient." Looks more like the brain-switching machine from Gilligan's Island. Whose do you think she will get, the Professor, the Skipper, or Mary Ann?

I sold my soul to the stock photo house...

Meanwhile, there is smug carpentry fun to be had building the fifth frame. What are these cool drilly things called again?

October 19th, 2007 - Cheesy Avatars & Icons

Why do corporate web sites always have the cheesiest, most gawd-awful avatar images on their front pages? Ugh, It's like their version of the nuclear family for the 21st century.
These overly-smiling people didn't know each other five minutes ago now they're so cozy and all snuggled up with their computer... "Oh you push the enter button this time Dear, it's FUN! Hey Sis and Bobbi, get your ass in here, daddy's going to let you push the enter button too!"
It's like it's 1974 and they just got a new microwave.

Then there's these funky avatars where they coyly draw a shape around the guy's face: What the hell is up with that...?!
Marketing guy: "well, I sure couldn't think of anything else to do, it sort of just came together. Draws the focus to him, don't you think?"
Makes me want to push on his face.
Mr. button head scuba face man. How would you like to be the guy that sold his image to the stock photography company and then you find out they used it for this kind of crap?! You are fated to see your face with a cheesy yellow box around it every time you go to pay your phone bill. Poor guy.
Next is the same thing with a twist, but IT'S IN THE SHAPE OF THEIR LOGO!" Now that is clever. Only thing is, it took me five trips to the website to put together that the triangle face guy had anything remotely to do with their logo. I was astounded by the sheer dorkiness of the image for the first four visits, then it dawned on me, the triangle is their logo. Ding. Idiotic.
I'm a stud with a triangle around my face holding my chin. Check please.
Again, poor guy. What do his friends think?
Well I would be remiss if I didn't call attention to the upwardly mobile young miss with her laptop. I've seen numerous versions of this, and they all make my back hurt. Do people actually type like this? I guess you CAN type on a Blackberry. Sort of. But only in the Hummer, steering with your knees.Hey! I'm minimizing my risk of fraud and identity theft while I DESTROY my back and neck! Now where did that one key go again...? Hunt & peck and hunt & peck...

This is about as low as it goes. The default template website built by some low-level assistant vice-president or floor-sweeper who got saddled with the "we need a web presence" task, (you'll figure it out Bill, have Joan in accounting help you) the person either a.) completely has no clue and is blindly thrashing away, Just get anything up there, it's a web-presence! b.) doesn't have enough art to complete the job or is going with the "Woops, I'll be darned.Of all things! You have reached a page that is under construction. Check back every day and we'll have 'er all spruced up for ya" theorem, or c.) just doesn't give a rat's ass how bad it looks. Reminds me of a product I used to work with where if you accidentally clicked on the separator bar between two menus, it popped up an error message that said, "Ooops, that there's a code problem sucka." It was there as a marker for the software guys to fix. For years and years. Too bad they moved on to the next temp job.

I had a thought that Spongeblob would have made a great icon for selling contraceptive sponges. "Hey Girls, put the FUN back into inserting your vaginal contraceptive!"
What the heck, he's on every other package at the supermarket.

Hello? F5! Hellooo...?! Damn.

October 17th, 2007 - Alba, the poor fluorescent rabbit

Ah Alba. You sacrificed yourself for science. Or was it art? At least you couldn't get pink-eye.
I've been helping set up the "Non-violent, Family-friendly, (except for the monsters, vampire bats, ghosts, and gore) Glow-in-the-dark, Halloween Alternative Program" at Fridley Nature Center (in Friendly Fridley) this week, and have been exposed to so much material glowing under longwave UV lately, that I don't know what color is supposed to look like anymore. Everything seems to be glowing...

October 13, 2007, 19:08 CST - The universe was created.

In 6 clicks I created the universe. Then I rested.
I just had to say that.
Welcome to the Infinite Universe! Oh, I guess you were already a part of it, you just didn't realize it. Homey, no?
Well, welcome to the dawning of realization.

I was floored by a quote recently that said, "In an infinite universe, anything is possible."

Let us rapidly expand on that while I go have a cookie.